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i still haven't felt emotional extremes of the depths to which i'd like.
that bugs me a bit; perhaps it's a pipe dream. only, it can't be... i
remember what pain feels like, real pain, and i haven't felt it in a really
long time... which is sort of a good thing, i guess. maybe i'm too bitter
and cynical to feel deliriously happy... that would be really sad.
Calliope makes me really happy, really *really* happy.... but i don't need
her... i desperately want to need her, which is to say: i need to need her.
if we were no longer dating, i would want her back... i would miss her sorely,
i would really miss the way she makes me feel... but i would survive, i would
live on. that annoys me. i want to need someone totally and completely. but
i'm not sure i ever could, not sure i ever will be able to.
how can you say i am not free?
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