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This is a story that I never thought I would tell. This is the story of
a breakup and why it happened; but to tell that story I must first tell you of
the relationship leading up to that point. This is the story of TM's
relationship with the Virgin Mary, and the end to which it came.
TM met the Virgin Mary at a party, the point of which, unbeknownst to both
of them, was to hook the two of them up. TM found the Virgin Mary rather
attractive and interesting at first, though she seemed a trifle out of place
in the 20th century, what with her Victorian notions of 19th century intellectualism
and propensity towards an unnatural degree of repression. It was not until he
realized that the point of the party had been to hook him up with her that TM
became interested in the Virgin Mary; he was lonley and it seemed like the
least that he could do after the hostess had gone through all the trouble of
throwing the party.
TM's previous romantic escapades had involved becoming friends with a girl
and then slowly working up to asking her out over the course of, at the least,
three years. This had been a less than satisfying tactic with decidedly slow
results. With this in mind, TM decided to get to know the Virgin Mary better
and then make his feelings for her known over the course of, say, 6 months at most,
assuming he still had them at the end of that time.
Things went well enough until he got to the flirting part. Apparently TM
was either less subtle than he thought, or perhaps the Virgin Mary was just
very astute. Despite the fact that no one had ever come on to her before and
that she rarely watched TV (that which tought TM all he knew about flirting
and relationships in general), the Virgin Mary instantly recognized his
tentative advances for what they were. She was horrified. The Virgin Mary
explained to TM that the only purpose of dating was to lead up to getting
married, so she had no intention of dating anyone she wasn't going to marry
and she didn't even want to think about any of this until she was out of
graduate school and had a stable source of income. TM did his best to
explain what he saw as the purpose of dating but could not seem to get through
to her. She asked him then, as she did many times through the course of their
relationship, what it was that he wanted from her, but try as he might he
could never seem to make her understand. TM wandered home that night,
defeated.
The Virgin Mary had TM over to her house a week later. After they
finished watching a movie he got up to leave and she accompanied him to his
car. Then she asked him out. TM was amazed at this puzzling, yet wonderous
none the less, turn of events and drove home overjoyed.
Things went fine at first, for the first month or so TM rejoiced in the
fact that the Virgin Mary enjoyed spending time with him. Then he realized
that she didn't actually like him. Things went downhill from there.
When TM realized that she didn't like him he became jaded about the whole
situation. He felt bad at first that he was holding her in a relationship
that she didn't want to be in; this soon passed. He soon became angry that
she would play with his emotions like that, stringing him along. She
deserved to be stuck with him, he thought, especially if she didn't have the
guts to dump him. He knew that she was too nice to end their relationship
because she knew it would hurt him, and that misplaced kindness hurt him more
than she ever realized, hurt him enough to push him to small acts of cruelty
such as telling her that her upbringing was abnormal, that she was repressed;
and larger acts such as allowing her to trap herself in a relationship with
him. Even as he cursed himself for his cruelty, TM vindicatively lashed out
at the Virgin Mary.
For a year, they saw each other almost every weekend. TM just tried to
enjoy their time together, while the Virgin Mary began to spend more and more
time trying to think of new reasons to dump him. TM could always tell when it
was coming and was able to head her off at the pass, essentially
guilt-tripping her into not dumping him. Once, she tried to break up with him
on his birthday. Near the end she was almost successful in breaking up with
him; she told him she didn't think that they should see each other anymore and
he was too tired to protest. For the next two days he called her and sadly
talked about everything but their relationship. One that second day she asked
him what was wrong, and he admitted that he was still trying to get over
having been dumped by her. She responded to this by denying that she had ever
dumped him, which TM found incredibly funny and pretended to believe.
While this had all been happening, TM had been being hit on by an older
girl while on an online chat room known as Mu. The girl, Succubus, lived in a
newarby town and offered TM all the verbal exclaimations of love that the Virgin
Mary had denied him. TM was very tempted, but in the end he told her that
he couldn't have a relationship with
her because he wanted to be faithful to the Virgin Mary. (But mostly he was just
frightened by the idea of an attractive girl who would want him.)
Now I finally get to the story I want to tell.
It was the Virgin Mary's birthday. She and TM went swing dancing and then
returned to her house. TM had given her three things for her birthday, but
only one of them really matters to this story, and that was the book. The
book was something which TM had spent a lot of time making. On the laminated
cardboard cover was inscribed the title "The Mu'taped Letters : Conversations
between TM and his own private Succubus". Inside, on rough pages, unfolded
the very texts of TM's conversations with Succubus, composed from transcripts
which TM kept of everything said between he and Succubus. It was composed in
such a way as to demonstrate everything that TM felt was missing from his relationship
with the Virgin Mary, as offered by Succubus, and how he denied his own longings out
of loyalty to the Virgin Mary. Upon their return to her house, TM told the
Virgin Mary that he wanted her to read it right then, so that he could watch
her as she read it. They sat together on her great leather couch and she read.
Nearing the end of the book her eyes began to moisten. She finished it
and then, turning to TM, said "I finally understand....I finally understand
what it is you want from me." And she took his hands within hers, something
she had never done before (any physical display of affection caused her to
shrink from him), and looked into his eyes and he was filled with joy.
He gently layed his arm about her shoulders and pulled her close. And she
recoiled from him.
"I can't give you what you want", she said.
"I know", he said, "It's over, you're free."
And with that TM stood up and walked out the door. She followed a few
paces behind, walking him to his car, just as she had the night she had asked
him out and every night which they had spent together since. As he reached
the end of the driveway and his car, he turned and looked back at her as she
walked up to him.
"I guess this is goodbye", he said.
"I'll call you tommorow", she said.
TM turned to open the door and then stopped; he turned to face her again.
"There's just one thing", he said.
Before she could ask what it was, he leaned forward and wrapped her in his
arms, pulling her to him and kissing her for the first time ever, hungrily,
full on the lips. Then he turned around, got into his car and drove off.
If this were a trashy romance novel, perhaps I would say that TM never
looked back, but it's not; he watched her in the rear-view mirror for the
entire time she was within sight. She just stood there, exactly where he had
left her. She never called him.
I wish I could say that what TM did was, in some bitter-sweet way,
romantic. It wasn't. TM kissed the Virgin Mary for all the wrong reasons.
It was a vindicative kiss, because he knew that she had not intented to ever
kiss anyone until she was married; and it was the kiss of a sexist alpha male
who was determined not to end a year-and-a-half relationship without "getting
what was coming to him". TM kissed her for all the wrong reasons, but despite
the reasons and the circumstances surrounding it, it was the perfect first
kiss.....and the perfect last kiss.
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