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When I decided to choose friendship and romance over hedonism and
lust, I thought that I was dooming myself to the life of one hopelessly
alone. I resigned myself to such a fate because it seemed that I was
heading for it anyway, and felt that I might was well stick to my
principles in my loneliness.
I thought that I may never find someone with whom I was happy to
just be with, someone who could make me smile just by being nearby, who
could make me turn mental cartwheels every time she spoke to me, and,
most importantly, who reciprocates. No one has ever done that.
Well, I've found someone whom I am happy just to be with, but I have
yet to achieve reciprocation of the sort for which I long. How odd then,
that with the end of my romantic relationship with Cacophony my lusty desires
should return in full force. It was a very nice feeling, when we were
together, knowing that I wasn't with her simply out of hedonism. Yet my
lofty priciples and ideals didn't help the relationship to last any longer,
nay, they probably quickened its sad demise. Perhaps that can, in some small
way, explain why I feel this way now.
Where once before I was content with just being with her and smiling at
her and holding her hand and occasionally kissing her, now I long for the
kissing and the running of fingers through hair and the feeling of laying
next to her and I find myself hungering even for the banished groping that so
characterized Syn and Sop's relationship. Suddenly, all I want is to lose
myself to passion.
Of course, the most obvious explanation is that I didn't long for such
things while in the relationship with Cacophony not only from having learned
from Syn and Sop's mistakes, but also because I knew that such things were,
for lack of a better word, available and waiting in the forseeable future
with Cacophony. Now that we're no longer dating, it could be said, the
possibility of such things are suddenly denied to me and so I want them all
the more. And yah, that might be part of it.
I don't know why I now long for passion where once I wanted merely
innocent romance.
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