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The Virgin Mary once wrote to me in a letter, "You are far to intelligent
to be madly in love with me." But she was wrong, mostly...I was never truly
in love with her and never professed to be so.
I don't think that I've ever been in love. That I can't point to any one
moment and say "There, right then, I was in love at that moment." leads me to
suspect that I have yet to experience true feelings of love.
There was a time, when I was younger, when the feelings of infatuation caused
my head to swim with such degree that I promptly labeled them "love". Invariably,
those feelings would fizzle out, or more often be squashed, only to be replaced a
time later by feelings that were even stronger. These new feelings would promptly
be labeled "love". After a time I came to realize that everything I had ever thought
to be love was passing and that there was a good chance that the next time I thought I
was in love I would be wrong too.
I have to believe in a love that is so powerful that I will one day be slapped with the
startling realization that I can't go on living without the object of my feelings, and then
will ensue a sense of helplessness and loss of control that will make me queasy to the pit
of my stomach.
When thoughts of someone make me feel sick to the stomach with longing, perhaps then I'll
let myself think I'm in love again.
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