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i'm going to jump the gun again. Do you get the feeling that i'm never
actually going to tell you who i am? i know who i am, but if i tell you that'll
take all the fun out of it. Not to mention, what good does it do you to know
who *i* am? Not like it'll help you find yourself. Figuring out who you are
is a totally personal thing, not like i can inspire anyone to find themselves
through my own personal story of triumph. Then again, maybe i'm lying to
myself, maybe i don't really know who i am after all and maybe that scares me
so much that i pretend to know who i am. Maybe I'm going to
Burning Man (<--new link!) to find
out, to find myself in the middle of the desert. You have to admit that
there's something that just sounds right in the idea of an American youth on
the cusp of adulthood going West to find Himself, and all that cliche junk that
will be burnt away in the refining flames of Burning Man, which is in itself
a cliche idea (the refining flames, not Burning Man himself). The Burning
Man tolerates no bugger.
i am sooooo tired, which is probably why i'm being all sarcastic and what
not. Anyway, this isn't about who i am, it's about why i am.
This question has been bothering me a lot lately. Here i am at Duke, with all
these smart people and i used to think i was above average but now i'm not so
sure that i'm anything special. The problem is that i never really got over
my senior slump. i was always very concientous (sp?) about doing all my homework
and what not, so when i got to senior year and decided to slack off i had to
come up with a whole new outlook on my education which would allow me to justify
the slacking off to myself. The problem is that i convinced myself too well,
and now i can't shake myself free of it. Whatever interests me in my classes
i take an active interest in and study and all, whatever bores me i ignore.
It seems perfectly logical to me, but it's rather effected my grades. The
other day i realized that i wasn't sure why i do the things i do. Come to
think of it, this is not the first time i've had this problem. i had this
total shattering of belief system in 9th grade when i got this bad grade and
thought it was the end of the world. i realized then that i didn't have any
real motivation, that i was just working hard for the sake of being a hard
worker, which was like *such* a stupid reason. So i just sort of coasted for
a while and walked around dead all the time and waited to die. Then i read
_Franny and Zooey_ by J.D. Salinger and realized that i was doing everything
for Christ. That worked for a while, or as least for long enough to get me
going again, until senior year when i through myself into a slump.
But my present musing have *nothing* to do with that. i know *who* i'm
doing this for, it's all me; i just don't know *why* i do that which i do.
it dawned on me a few days ago that i think of myself as a slacker, yet Alyssym
is always getting on me for being so anal about my work. And that's when it
hit me, the absurdity of it all, i *am* anal about work, but i'm not motivated
to do it right if it bores me. i'm anal about writing bad papers
badly on time! i don't care if they're good, so long as their written!
So yah, basically, i have no idea why either.
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