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I came to a rather odd realization the other day. I was sitting in the
camp office reading when I looked over to one of the other counselors, only
to see that she had fallen asleep upon the couch. And I realized then that
every girl who I've fallen for has first fallen asleep in my prescence. This
perplexed me at first; why should, in some cases (though not this one), the
sight of a sleeping girl cause my heart to yearn for her?
I began watching my fellow counselor sleep, watching her chest rise and
fall with her steady breathing. She truly looked angelic. And I thought to
myself, everyone looks angelic when they're asleep; perhaps when we sleep we
let down our masks slip away, let down our barriers and are laid bare, our
true selves revealed. True selves are always beautiful. So I thought to
myself, maybe I fall for girls when they're sleeping because I see their inner beauty in
that moment. And then I took that one step further, realizing that I was
staring at the sleeping counselor and that only when a girl was asleep did I
feel comfortable with staring at her. Of course, that much is just social
convention; one mustn't stare. The truth is deeper still.
You see, I only truly feel comfortable around members of the opposite sex
when they have their eyes closed, which is to say that it makes me a bit uneasy
when girls look at me, or even have their eyes open (thus
enabling them to look at me by a simple turning of the head). When a girl
has her eyes closed I am free to stare at her in silent contemplation.
I used to be horribly shy around members of the opposite sex. I'm not
quite as uncomfortable around girls these days as I once was (sometimes I even
*like* it when a girl is looking me in the eyes!) but I'm still not totally relaxed
around the other half of the species unless they're asleep. It's rather sad, I guess,
and is something that I'm working on.
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